In May 2013 I began my healing on a trip to Bali. I call it my ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ journey. Now this wasn’t sexual healing…it wouldn’t be until 2014 that I would realise that I actually needed Sexual Healing or what that really was. This was my healing around my feelings of not good enough, not worthy, not valued, not wanted etc. When those feelings came up for me, instead of numbing the pain like I usually would do with sex or partying, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and feel all my emotions. This started my healing journey as I connected to my soul through facilitated healings, meditation, yoga, dance, honesty, forgiveness and making self-loving choices. I started to shift the false beliefs I had about myself and I felt the love that was already within me and my whole life transformed.
After returning from Bali I continued to meditate and have healings and eventually I awakened to my own healing abilities. I knew my purpose was as a Healer and in October 2013 I started doing my healing work professionally. I had been finding that my escort work was suffering as I had lost interest in it and it really was just a means to an end. I would see clients and just not ‘be there’…my mind would be so faraway. Of course in my bookings I was still very intimate but even though physically I was being intimate, mentally and emotionally I wasn’t there and I didn’t want my clients to feel that distant energy. I had promised myself I never wanted to be like that and that is when I knew I had to seriously think about leaving the industry.
I had also attracted a man into my life that I cared for deeply and he was completely fine with my Escort work…well…at the beginning he was. As time went on, the more he loved me, the harder it became for him to be okay with me being with other men. He started to get upset and angry at me for no valid reason, but really he was holding resentment towards me for my work. Our sex life was also not good at all…I tried to be present and connected with him but I had been so used to being with men to validate myself that I had lost that connection to what sex was really about. It became a chore to be intimate with him… I had lost all the enjoyment and he really felt it… I didn’t know how to fix it. I wondered where had my libido gone? What happened to that excited, crazy wild kinky girl I once was? What I then realised is that the girl who I used to be was the one who had been living from her Ego and needed to do all those sexual things to feel valued and validated and now because of the healing work I had been doing, I wasn’t wanting that ‘ego’ fix anymore because I didn’t need it, I was valuing myself enough outside of my body, outside of sex. I was now starting to live from my heart and soul, so sex for me took on a whole different meaning. In February I decided I would quit Escorting, build up my healing business and give myself fully to this relationship.
6 weeks into it we both realised that the relationship wasn’t going to work as he still held resentment towards the escort work and I still couldn’t be properly intimate with him and he really needed that to feel loved. We both agreed it was best to part ways. The greatest lesson that this relationship gave me was really feeling how disconnected sexually I had become. The fact that I couldn’t really enjoy sex with someone I cared about was not good!! I knew there had to be something I could do about this.
I have never felt ashamed of being an escort… I have always been proud because it helped me feel empowered and embrace so many parts of me but it also allowed me to help a lot of people. I had always felt that sex should be celebrated rather than made out to be dirty and taboo. I had felt that Escorting was a way to help pay for me to build up my other businesses. It was never my number 1 priority and one day when I had built my other businesses up that I would quit but what I started to realise is that Escorts are Healers. Whether it be emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually etc. In many ways we do help our clients to heal especially if we are fully present with them. Everyone needs sex to feel fully present and alive, it is life force energy and if we are not getting the intimacy we need we can feel disconnected, lonely and depressed. So I decided to go back to escort work… but this time it was going to be different. This time it was going to be about celebration, healing and real intimacy. I realised that escorting was no longer a means to an end but it was in fact a big part of my purpose. This is when I started to look into Sacred Sexuality. Through this I could combine my sex and healing work – Sexual Healing! I would be a Sexual Healer! My work would take on a completely different intention, one that comes from my heart and soul and because of this I would attract different types of clients and the experience I would provide would be different. I would get my passion, presence, sex drive and connection back!
I contacted my friend,who is a Sex Coach and does a lot of Sacred Sexuality work. She agreed to help me with my healing and also to train me to help my clients with their sexual healing. I booked in for my first session which would be the start of a life long journey – it was time for my sexual healing to begin!!